The beginining of my interest in meditation

In the summer of 2018 my adopted dad, John Napolitano, first brought to my attention the idea of meditation. As someone who had been practicing the discipline for some time, he knew first hand how re-centering oneself - which is one of the aims of meditation - could help anyone remain focused, sensitive, and create internal order. It did not take long for me to accompany him on a trip to a meditation center in Manhattan, where I experienced first hand how sitting still, an act that proved rather challenging at first, coupled with deep breathing, could have a tremendous impact not only on the way I felt physically but the tranquility I experienced in my psyche. Given that I was diagnosed at six-years-old with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (also known as ADHD), and thus prescribed Ritalin and Adderall (I will tell you more on this later), I became accustomed to believing there was no alternative to focusing my mind than medication. This honestly could be the main culprit behind my inner drive towards meditation. 

In any case, after two sessions I found a deep-seated passion for meditating and began implementing the practice into my daily life. Around this same time, I was told about Fulbright, a federal government program aimed at improving cultural understanding through the exchanging of knowledge and experience, so I applied with the aim of studying meditation in India, where the practice originated. I garnered my recommendations, wrote two persuasive essays about my time in the foster care system and how I wanted to study meditation to transform not only my psyche but all the children in foster care I am connected to and I sent in my application with a prayer. Unfortunately, about two months later, I received an email denying my application. I will not lie, I was discouraged for a few weeks and stopped meditating until one morning my resiliency kicked in and I asked myself how badly did I want to travel to India to study meditation. In that moment I told myself I would find a way to go to India at whatever cost since I knew in my heart the vision I had lying within it and would by no means be deterred but rather I would make a way to follow my dream. 

I began meditating again and reconnected with my spirit to seek the answers within my heart on how I would make this transition to India. It did not take long for an answer to come. While walking one of my mentees — who is currently in foster care — to school, I decided instead of taking the bus home as I would normally do, I walked. As I was walking by my alma mater, PS 108 in east Harlem, I ran into two former teachers as they were bringing their students to City College for a college trip. They convinced me to accompany them so instead of heading home I changed course. While in conversation on the C train with one teacher, I disclosed how I recently began meditating and was in the process of starting an organization where I could teach not only children in foster care but all at-risk youth how and why to meditate since I began thinking about how meditation could have helped me as a child going through the foster care and school system. 

Ironically enough, she told me the principal just sent an email inquiring about adding meditation to the school's curriculum and how she would run my name by him. Within a week I was asked to come meet the new principal and talk with him about my organization that by then I had named "Fostering Meditation." After our April meeting, we decided the following week I would begin my weekly sessions of meditation with a group of students the teachers collectively recommended. I have to honestly say, although I only taught the class once a week for the remainder of the school year, the happiest I have ever been was in that classroom with the young people.

From listening to their ideas of what meditation means to hearing how the breathing techniques I showed them have resonated and impacted them outside of the classroom, every second in the room with them brought moments of laugher, insight and inspiration. The meditation sessions went so well the principal reached out this summer and asked if I would be willing, when I came back from India, to teach meditation full-time and this time instead of volunteering my services, the school would pay me. So, we decided when I come back from my nine month journey in East Asia, I will begin teaching both meditation and yoga (I plan to get my yoga license in India) to the students, teachers, and possibly even parents. You can see in the photo below how focused the children are in their guided meditation where I would say such affirmations as “I am intelligent, I am beautiful, I am loved” and they would repeat those words in their mind — where the change takes place.  



When I was at PS 108 from Pre K to 8th grade, I was diagnosed with ADHD and then placed on Adderall and Ritalin, both of which are used to stimulate the central nervous system. I remember after my former adoptive mother would give me the medication, I would go to school and sit as focused as you can see the student wearing the Nike sweatshirt in the front row. I felt as if I had no control over myself but was under the hypnosis of the medication. The moment I stopped swallowing the pills was when one of the teachers came up to me and asked "Demetrius, are you on your medication?" 


In that moment, at about 11-years-old, I came to the conclusion that I must act differently when I am on and off the drugs, so when my former adoptive mom would give me both capsules, I would hide them under my tongue and when she would say "lift your tongue, Demetrius," I instantly switched the pills from under my tongue to the top and back under, she would then say, “okay you can close your mouth.” I became so skilled at making her think I swallowed the medication she stopped checking and would just give me the tablets and then when she was not looking I would spit them out. I remember saying to myself,  "Nothing will control me."


 
Fast forward to nearly a decade later when John introduced me to meditation, I remember thinking I found a healthy alternative to medication. Through meditation I have unearthed within hidden insecurities, pains, and fears which all stem from my childhood. But before I tell you about those, I would like to share a book I just finished reading this summer called "The Awakening of Intelligence" by J. Krishnamurti. Given that I just graduated with my B.A. in Political Science from NYU and aged out of foster care, this was the perfect time for such a book to arrive in my life by a great friend, as those insecurities, pains, and fears also thought this was the right time to return. 

There are many things the author discusses including religion, the power of thought and belief,  life and death, fears and courage -- the list goes on. But, what stayed with me was when he spoke about why there is so much conflict within the world: that is because there is great disorder within each of us and if we do not take the time to address the confusion and division within, we will only contribute to the conflict of the world. He notes how we cannot go to the preacher or the guru, or any other teacher, but rather we have to look within ourselves through careful observation and as we are watching, we should do so without any condemnation or judgment, just observe with gentle care. 

So, I began observing myself and aimed to remain self-conscious as much as I could, that is to say, aware of my emotions as they transpired, cognizant of what was causing my internal disorder and confusion, and awakened to the internal pain which I disseminated into the world, thus contributing to the world's discord. The more I began meditating the greater the understanding I began to have of self and what was causing my internal chaos. It is essential to say that all of our inner disorder, which, by the way, everyone has is due to what transpired in our youth. This realization helped me soften towards myself as I am not responsible for the onset of my inner disorder, but I should be held accountable for how now, as a young man, I address my personal confusion and conflict.

I discerned some of my conflict stirring in my soul stems from not having my mother in my life and being placed in and out of a multitude of different foster homes — 30 to be exact. As a young boy, but especially as a young black boy, not being held or being told I am loved, appreciated, and needed in this world, caused my heart to search for that particular missing love in older women, especially those who could technically be my mother given our age difference. I am not saying that with all the older women I dated I was out searching to fill this void, as I am very mature and would like for those I am conversing with to be the same, but there was this underlying lack within the abyss of myself that yearned to be held tightly, to be kissed on my forehead, and to feel that tangible form of love one feels being intimate. If you really think about what I am saying it makes perfect sense, or at least it is rational: there is an emptiness within me so I go to places where that void may be filled. 

The problem arises when I am essentially placing a small bandage on a deep wound. The bandage is only good for the moment but eventually it cannot withhold all the blood seeping from my heart. But, this never stopped me from dating older women and eventually being intimate where I have observed myself caressing and sucking on their breast as if I am their child in need of their tender love, or looking for that love in escorts — basically looking for love in ALL the wrong places. During these interactions I would not judge or condemn myself as J. Krishnamurti said, but would rather observe as if there was a part of my consciousness acting like a fly on the wall watching, observing, and thinking…

 
As someone who wants to be one day the leader of our nation, it is imperative I heal my trauma and internal pain in a healthy and constructive way. I am afraid if I do not take this time to work on Demetrius then I will continue to be trauma led and all those who follow my lead will be in actuality following my trauma. A wise man once said “Find the love you seek, by first finding the love within yourself.” My proposed journey to India is based on finding the love within myself so I can stop looking to fill that void in any place which is outside of myself or else I will forever be on the chase of searching for the love that secretly resides in my heart. 

The greatest part of this journey will be when I come back after my nine months in East Asia, I will start in the fall of 2020, on a paid position, teaching meditation and yoga to the youth at my alma mater, P.S. 108. From my April 2019 experience guiding the kids through meditation, I was deeply inspired by how many of them too come from broken homes and are saddled, at their young age, with depression, anxiety, and deep-seated insecurities which, I believe, is one of the main reasons why I was able to connect to them in a way that they trusted me to lead them on their journey of healing and awakening. 


While this journey is about my personal healing, I also realize I am not the only one who is contributing to the world’s disorder, but rather I am only one of many. So, this journey I am embarking on is also about all the lives I will come back and help change through my own vulnerabilities and newly founded wisdom and knowledge. As you consider investing in me please remember Healing through Meditation is not only about myself but all the children, teachers, parents, and everyone else I will impact along my life-long journey.

 
Thank you, from the midst of my heart for following and supporting me on this life-changing journey and I look forward to journalizing my transformation and sharing it with you.

 
With all my love and appreciation,
Demetrius T. Napolitano





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